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 Sailor Selene's The Forbidden Princess

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Princess Luna
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PostSubject: Sailor Selene's The Forbidden Princess   29th February 2012, 7:04 pm

Feedback would be GREAT!!!  Please and Thank you.

"You are the one who is destined to become like me..." The words still echoed in Amethyst's mind as she awoke from the dream. She had been having the same dream for weeks! It all started when Amethyst was told that that the family would be getting together in a week to give each of them some of their late grandmother's jewelry. Amethyst had a feeling that something important would happen that day. All her life Amethyst had always had these strange feelings. Each time she had one of these feelings it came true.

She even predicted her grand mother's accident. The day that it happened Amethyst went out to lunch with her grandmother. She had been having a bad feeling all day and had asked her not to go anywhere. Her grandmother decided to go out anyway. She had been driving and her car broke down on the train tracks. The doors wouldn't unlock either so when the train came nothing could be done. That was when Amethyst decided that whatever it was she had was a horrible gift because no one ever believed her. Today was finally the day that she had been looking forward to. When all of the family stopped arriving they pulled out the jewelry box. It was made of cherry wood and was beautifully engraved with cherry blossoms. When the time had come they opened the box.

A note was placed on top of all the jewelry. It read, "There is one thing that I have in mind for a specific person. Amethyst Moon is to receive my heart locket. She is also to pick one more thing out of my jewelry box." As her grandfather read this allowed, everyone gasped. Amethyst was the freak of her family. She was a "disgrace" to their powerful family name. Her grandfather handed her the letter because there was more there for her to read.

The rest of the letter said:

Dear Amethyst,
I have given you the locket because it is now your time to become successor to the family. I know that you may feel guilty for not being able to stop me that day, but it was my fate. I fulfilled my promise to keep watch over you. Now you must fulfill an even greater promise. Please keep faith in yourself and your gift.


Love,
Grand mom

Amethyst walked up to the jewelry box and looked inside. The locket seemed to be calling to her and something else seemed to be pulling her. Amethyst pulled the locket out and looked inside again to see what else had been calling to her. The second was a thin silver ring with a rose with thorns wrapped around it. The rose was jeweled with tiny red rubies. The ring perfectly matched the silver rose locket. She slowly put on the jewelry and sat down. The locket acknowledged her as her grandmoher's successor. She would own the house
and the family's business empire. I never wanted this! she thought to herself. Then Amethyst looked up and it was like the whole world around her had changed. She was suddenly outside standing in front of a castle. She went up to the doors and knocked. No one answered. Then the door opened by itself. "Hello!" Amethyst called. There was no answer so she wandered the castle hoping to find someone. Finally in the last room in the castle there was someone in it. Now this palace seemed oddly familiar. Frighteningly familiar! The person
turned around. It was a woman. She looked just like Amethyst, but older. She had long brown wavy hair and blue eyes. Her hair framed her small face. "So you have finally arrived!" The woman said. "Who are you?" Amethyst asked.

"That is not important. What is important is that I know who you are and I have something important to tell you." The woman said. Amethyst started to speak, but the woman cut her off. "I am the princess of this castle. A cursed Princess. You are in the palace of the forbidden princess! I am fated to be alone until someone takes my place. When they do I am free to die. The on who takes my place will know before hand, but she will not be allowed to tell a single soul of her fate. The balance of the universe is dependent on this one secret. The forbidden princess comes from your bloodline. Only the forbidden princess can keep the balance." The princess said. "What does this have to do with me?" Amethyst asked. "You are the one who is destined to become like me..." The princess started.


Now her dreams came back to her. Her feeling of something important replaced with dread. Amethyst closed her eyes and when she opened them she was back in the house. The jewelry had been sorted and everyone was leaving. The forbidden princess' words echoed in Amethyst's mind. "She will not be allowed to tell a single soul of her fate. The balance of the universe is dependent on this one secret." How could a secret as big as this never reach outsider's ears? Amethyst thought. Surely someone else knew.


Amethyst slowly got up and left the room. She could hear what some of the lingering family members said, "Why was she chosen? She's nothing, but a disgrace to us all. How could she ever be expected to run this family? She's nothing, but an orphan." Amethyst hated her family. They were all so vain and all they ever cared about was the family company. Anyone who didn't care about that was a disgrace! Now Amethyst had been robbed of the last person in the world who cared about her. Her parents had died when she was young and her grandma had been all that was left.


A knock at her door interrupted her thoughts. "Yes." She said. Her grandfather walked in. "I am sending you to a private school. You will be living there until you graduate. You will be getting the best education there..." Amethyst cut him of, "What about what I want/ What about my friends? It's the middle of the school year!" "I know that. It doesn't matter. This is what I have decided and until you are an adult I am head of the family and you will do as I say!" Her grandfather said. He brought luggage bags into her room and left.

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Last edited by Sailor Selene on 7th August 2013, 11:26 am; edited 4 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Sailor Selene's The Forbidden Princess   6th August 2013, 9:19 pm

AWESOME

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PostSubject: Re: Sailor Selene's The Forbidden Princess   7th August 2013, 10:39 am

Amethyst looked at the bags sadly and started packing. She didn't have much anyway. She packed up her clothes and her shoes. They all fit in one huge suitcase. Her large amount of books, CDs, wall posters, and stuffed animals fit in the other. She grabbed another and put her blankets, jewelry box, purses, and necessities in. Then she was all packed. All that was left was empty furniture. Amethyst grabbed her violin and music books and packed them into the car with her suitcases. Her grandfather decided they'd leave right away. She had no time to say goodbye to her friends, her parents' and grandmother's graves would be far away from her new school.

"Here's your uniform." Her grandfather said to her as she got in the car. "You've been planning this for a while haven't you?" she asked suspiciously. She put her ear bud in her iPod in her ear right away because she already knew the answer. Her grandfather had never cared for her love of music. He even hated her for being named successor of the family. He wanted to get rid of her as soon as possible because the press would be after her and he wanted nothing to do with her. Even being seen with her at all was a horrible thing for him. It took them an hour and a half to drive to her new school. As soon as they got there he unloaded her things and drove off. Someone came out of the building when she got there and took her things. Without saying a word the person showed her to her room and left. A schedule for her classes was put on her door along with meal times. She looked at her schedule and everything other than the core classes was music courses. "I see. He's trying to get on my good side." Amethyst said. She unpacked her things and went to bed. The next day she would have to start her new life.

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Last edited by Sailor Selene on 7th August 2013, 11:27 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Sailor Selene's The Forbidden Princess   7th August 2013, 11:12 am

Here's my feedback. >.>
 
 - The story line seems good, but I'm really confused. Why is she the Cursed Princess? How does one cursed woman keep the balance of the cosmos? 

- I'm reading a lot of main ideas through the story, but no details of anything. Out of everything, the most I got to imagine was a bit of what Amethyst looks like and what the ring looks like. 

-Things seem to be moving so fast that I'm having trouble understanding what's going on. 

- There's a lot of repetition in the writing, such as starting sentences with 'the,' 'she,' and 'her.' It would also be a good idea to go back and re-read what you wrote to go over any spelling errors.

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PostSubject: Re: Sailor Selene's The Forbidden Princess   7th August 2013, 11:16 am

Okay thanks Lust. Smile A lot of the reasoning for the princess is just about to come out. I'll edit and see what I can do to make it more understandable.

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