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 [critique requested] What Can't Be Done (A Bungo Stray Dogs fanfic)

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Malour
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Malour

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[critique requested] What Can't Be Done (A Bungo Stray Dogs fanfic) Empty
PostSubject: [critique requested] What Can't Be Done (A Bungo Stray Dogs fanfic)   [critique requested] What Can't Be Done (A Bungo Stray Dogs fanfic) I_icon_minitime8th February 2019, 8:14 pm

Title:  What Can't Be Done
By: Malour
Rated: PG13
Fandom: Bungo Stray Dogs
Pairing: None
Notes: potential trigger warning for suicidal characters
Story Summary: Dazai and Kunikida discuss their beliefs and ideals

Any kind of critique would be appreciated, grammatical errors pointed out, if you know the fandom, am I keeping the characters, well, in character? Am I describing things too much, or not enough? Do I use too many of the same words?

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Last edited by Malour on 8th February 2019, 10:34 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Malour
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Malour

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[critique requested] What Can't Be Done (A Bungo Stray Dogs fanfic) Empty
PostSubject: Re: [critique requested] What Can't Be Done (A Bungo Stray Dogs fanfic)   [critique requested] What Can't Be Done (A Bungo Stray Dogs fanfic) I_icon_minitime8th February 2019, 8:17 pm

"Dazai!"

Kunikida stormed over to the desk of his partner, Dazai Osamu, with a sour expression crossing his face. "I've just received three more complaints, and they're all about you!" He shoved a small stack of papers into Dazai's bandaged hands, and continued, listing off the complaints one by one, "The ADA seems to have lost an employee, he's floating down the river!" He held up one finger to indicate the first complaint, "All the waitresses in my restaurant are disturbed by the morbid flirting of one of your employees," another finger counted off the second, "and last of all, a comment from Yosano-Sensei, telling you to stop stealing her pain medications!" Kunikida clenched his fist, and asked, "What are you even hoping to gain out of all this?!"

"Why Kunikida-kun, I thought that you would at least know by now!" Dazai flashed a grin, twirling in his chair as if he were the most carefree man in the world. "I want-"

"Suicide..." Kunikida cut off the brunette, sighing and pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "I know."

"Well then why bother to ask?" Dazai laughed, his grin never wavering. "I seem to recall making it very obvious what I've wanted since I first set foot in this place."

"Because, Dazai, while I do understand what you want, what I don't understand is why." Kunikida crossed his arms, and watched his partner for a reaction.

But Dazai didn't seem fazed, and his facade of cheerfulness didn't crack in the slightest. "Why, Kunikida-kun? Why..." He placed a finger on his cheek, as if contemplating the question. "Well now, isn't that a funny question! I've heard it a bunch of times, too." He laughed again, although this time is was a slightly darker tone. "People will ask me, 'why throw your life away?' or, 'you're still so young, don't you have any dreams?'," Dazai shrugged, and continued, "But I always give them the same answer."

"Which would be?..." Kunikida prodded, his green eyes searching for any sign of change in Dazai's demeanor.

"Because it's something I can look forward to. In a way, I guess you could say it's my reason for living."

At that, Kunikida couldn't help but drop his hands to his sides. "You're really an idiot, you know that?"

"Oh, I know!" Dazai chirped gayly, reaching his arms behind him and resting them against his neck. "But then, what about you?"

Kunikida narrowed his eyes, and asked, "What do you mean?"

"Oh, you know!" Dazai moved his left hand long enough to wave it dismissively, as though his words were nothing but a joke shared between the two. But his face held the truth, he was serious. He pointed towards Kunikida's green notebook, which rested atop a pile of papers on the blonde's desk.

"My ideals, Dazai, are not the pursuit of an idiot, unlike what could be said about you."

"Are they not?" Dazai challenged, a dark look settling on his face in place of his earlier lighthearted grin.

"No, they are not. My ideals are in place to save lives, not to destroy my own, as you seem to be content with doing."

"but they are destroying your life, Kunikida-kun. Or at least, they will. Someday you'll see what I mean." Dazai stood and shoved his hands into his pockets, keeping an eye on the blonde, who was glaring at him sharply.

"what do you mean?"

"It's simple. You care too much, Kunikida-kun, about trying to save everyone. It can't be done. One day, you're going to lose someone, someone you really care about, and all of your ideals will be shattered, torn up and scattered to the winds. What will you have to rely on then? Your ideals, Kunikida-kun, are the dreams of a pacifist with no idea about the harsh realities of the world around him."

Kunikida slammed a hand down on Dazai's desk, and Dazai eyed it with a cautious expression. "No! I know all too well the realities of this world! That's why I have my ideals! To make sure that I-"

"-Never make the same mistake again." Dazai finished with his partner, and for just a moment, something glimmered in Dazai's eye that Kunikida had never seen in him before. Regret, perhaps? "I know, Kunikida-kun. You lost him, and it hurt. the rest of the world may not care, but you did. You feel it was something you could have prevented. But Kunikida-kun, if you keep dwelling on that one man you couldn't save, more people will follow. Your flawed sense of ideals and justice will see you to your death, if you allow it to."

"Dazai, you..." Kunikida couldn't help but feel that Dazai was speaking from his own personal experience, and it both intrigued and confused the ADA detective.

"Oh, now would you look at that!" In the instant that Kunikida had taken to think to himself, Dazai had already crossed the room, standing at the window with stars in his eyes. "There's a cement truck across the street!"

"Dazai, you bandage-wasting idiot, don't you dare even think about it! You still have two more reports to write up!"

"Oh, fine, fine! Don't be such a killjoy, Kunikida-kun! I was only teasing anyways!" Dazai sat back down in his chair with a light 'thump'. "That would be an awful way to go. Too sticky and painful."
Kunikida sighed and began to shuffle through his own paperwork, although he snuck glances at his partner from time to time, who would simply look back at him and smile his usual, oh-so-fake grin.


"Sometimes Dazai-"


"Sometimes Kunikida-kun-"


"-There are just things that can't be done."

___________________________

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Sailor Uranus
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Sailor Uranus

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[critique requested] What Can't Be Done (A Bungo Stray Dogs fanfic) Empty
PostSubject: Re: [critique requested] What Can't Be Done (A Bungo Stray Dogs fanfic)   [critique requested] What Can't Be Done (A Bungo Stray Dogs fanfic) I_icon_minitime10th February 2019, 11:13 am

I do not know anything about the source material beyond what I used to review your character profile in the RP section xD BUT I think I can help on the other points you requested!

Grammar / Sentence Structure / Repeating Words:
first paragraph wrote:
He shoved a small stack of papers into Dazai's bandaged hands, and continued, listing off the complaints one by one,
You may consider removing that comma! While still considered grammatically correct (yay oxford commas!), it would also be grammatically correct to take it out; in this case it breaks the flow of the sentence as commas encourage readers to make a mental pause, so I would recommend removing it!
first paragraph wrote:
"The ADA seems to have lost an employee,: he's floating down the river!"
Consider changing the comma to a colon as "he's floating down the river!" expands/explains/gives reason to the first half of the sentence and works as an independent clause.
first paragraph wrote:
"All the waitresses in my restaurant are disturbed by the morbid flirting flirtations of one of your employees," 
dialogue wrote:
"Because, Dazai, while I do understand what you want, what I don't understand is why." Kunikida crossed his arms, and watched his partner for a reaction.
See first comment re: commas and mental pauses breaking flow~
just after wrote:
But Dazai didn't seem fazed, and his facade of cheerfulness didn't crack in the slightest. "Why, Kunikida-kun? Why..." He placed a finger on his cheek, as if contemplating the question.
Unnecessary "But"! No contradictions leading up to it
dialogue wrote:
"Oh, I know!" Dazai chirped gayly gaily, reaching his arms behind him and resting them against his neck. "But then, what about you?"
later wrote:
He pointed towards Kunikida's green notebook, which rested atop a pile of papers on the blonde's desk.
I think this is another mental pause that could be done away with with some rewording; if the green notebook is usually on Kunikida's desk in the show you could brush past it - maybe "[...]green notebook, resting atop [...]" or "[...]green notebook that rested atop [...]" If it's not typically there, or you want to make it more of a focus, you could split the sentence to draw more attention to it - something like "He pointed towards Kunikida's desk, where a green notebook rested atop a pile of papers." or "[...] green notebook. It rested atop [...]
etc. xD Or don't make a change, it could just be me and "which" XD
Quote :
"My ideals, Dazai, are not the pursuit of an idiot, unlike what could be said about you yours."
Quote :
"No, they are not. My ideals are in place to save lives, not to destroy my own, as you seem to be content with doing."
I don't think "content" is the right word here - you meant something more along the lines that Dazai is determined to destroy his own life or aims to destroy his own life, right? If so, maybe "bent on doing" would fit better, or another synonym for that - like "dead set on" (hahah pun) or "intent on"
Quote :
"but they are destroying your life, Kunikida-kun. Or at least, they will. Someday you'll see what I mean." Dazai stood and shoved his hands into his pockets, keeping an eye on the blonde, who was glaring at him sharply.

"what do you mean?"
Capitalization; maybe change strikeout to "[...] keeping an eye on the blonde that glared at him sharply." It makes the sentence a little more "active" by removing a "be" verb!
Quote :
 You lost him, and it hurt. the rest of the world 
Capitalization


Descriptions:
Overall I found the descriptions succinct! The language wasn't flowery but it gave motion and expression to the characters and a good amount of depth to the writing, especially in a dialogue-heavy scene such as this.

___________________________


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Malour
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Malour

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[critique requested] What Can't Be Done (A Bungo Stray Dogs fanfic) Empty
PostSubject: Re: [critique requested] What Can't Be Done (A Bungo Stray Dogs fanfic)   [critique requested] What Can't Be Done (A Bungo Stray Dogs fanfic) I_icon_minitime10th February 2019, 5:37 pm

thank you so much! I'm taking all your critique into consideration, and I might just end up editing it to include every single one XD

Edit: so here's what I have now with your suggestions in mind



"Dazai!"

Kunikida stormed over to the desk of his partner, Dazai Osamu, with a sour expression crossing his face. "I've just received three more complaints, and they're all about you!" He shoved a small stack of papers into Dazai's bandaged hands and continued, listing off the complaints one by one, "The ADA seems to have lost an employee; he's floating down the river!" He held up one finger to indicate the first complaint, "All the waitresses in my restaurant are disturbed by the morbid flirtations of one of your employees," another finger counted off the second, "and last of all, a comment from Yosano-Sensei, telling you to stop stealing her pain medications!" Kunikida clenched his fist, and asked, "What are you even hoping to gain out of all this?!"

"Why Kunikida-kun, I thought that you would at least know by now!" Dazai flashed a grin, twirling in his chair as if he were the most carefree man in the world. "I want-"

"Suicide..." Kunikida cut off the brunette, sighing and pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "I know."

"Well then why bother to ask?" Dazai laughed, his grin never wavering. "I seem to recall making it very obvious what I've wanted since I first set foot in this place."

"Because, Dazai, while I do understand what you want, what I don't understand is why." Kunikida crossed his arms and watched his partner for a reaction.

Dazai didn't seem fazed, and his facade of cheerfulness didn't crack in the slightest. "Why, Kunikida-kun? Why..." He placed a finger on his cheek, as if contemplating the question. "Well now, isn't that a funny question! I've heard it a bunch of times, too." He laughed again, although this time is was a slightly darker tone. "People will ask me, 'why throw your life away?' or, 'you're still so young, don't you have any dreams?'," Dazai shrugged, and continued, "But I always give them the same answer."

"Which would be?..." Kunikida prodded, his green eyes searching for any sign of change in Dazai's demeanor.

"Because it's something I can look forward to. In a way, I guess you could say it's my reason for living."

At that, Kunikida couldn't help but drop his hands to his sides. "You're really an idiot, you know that?"

"Oh, I know!" Dazai chirped gaily, reaching his arms behind him and resting them against his neck. "But then, what about you?"

Kunikida narrowed his eyes, and asked, "What do you mean?"

"Oh, you know!" Dazai moved his left hand long enough to wave it dismissively, as though his words were nothing but a joke shared between the two. But his face held the truth, he was serious. He pointed towards Kunikida's desk, where his green notebook rested atop a pile of papers.

"My ideals, Dazai, are not the pursuit of an idiot, unlike what could be said about yours."

"Are they not?" Dazai challenged, a dark look settling on his face in place of his earlier lighthearted grin.

"No, they are not. My ideals are in place to save lives, not to destroy my own, as you seem to be intent on doing."

"but they are destroying your life, Kunikida-kun. Or at least, they will. Someday you'll see what I mean." Dazai stood and shoved his hands into his pockets, keeping an eye on the blonde that glared at him sharply.

"What do you mean?"

"It's simple. You care too much, Kunikida-kun, about trying to save everyone. It can't be done. One day, you're going to lose someone, someone you really care about, and all of your ideals will be shattered, torn up and scattered to the winds. What will you have to rely on then? Your ideals, Kunikida-kun, are the dreams of a pacifist with no idea about the harsh realities of the world around him."

Kunikida slammed a hand down on Dazai's desk, and Dazai eyed it with a cautious expression. "No! I know all too well the realities of this world! That's why I have my ideals! To make sure that I-"

"-Never make the same mistake again." Dazai finished with his partner, and for just a moment, something glimmered in Dazai's eye that Kunikida had never seen in him before. Regret, perhaps? "I know, Kunikida-kun. You lost him, and it hurt. The rest of the world may not care, but you did. You feel it was something you could have prevented. But Kunikida-kun, if you keep dwelling on that one man you couldn't save, more people will follow. Your flawed sense of ideals and justice will see you to your death, if you allow it to."

"Dazai, you..." Kunikida couldn't help but feel that Dazai was speaking from his own personal experience, and it both intrigued and confused the ADA detective.

"Oh, now would you look at that!" In the instant that Kunikida had taken to think to himself, Dazai had already crossed the room, standing at the window with stars in his eyes. "There's a cement truck across the street!"

"Dazai, you bandage-wasting idiot, don't you dare even think about it! You still have two more reports to write up!"

"Oh, fine, fine! Don't be such a killjoy, Kunikida-kun! I was only teasing anyways!" Dazai sat back down in his chair with a light 'thump'. "That would be an awful way to go. Too sticky and painful."
Kunikida sighed and began to shuffle through his own paperwork, although he snuck glances at his partner from time to time, who would simply look back at him and smile his usual, oh-so-fake grin.


"Sometimes Dazai-"


"Sometimes Kunikida-kun-"


"-There are just things that can't be done."

___________________________

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