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 A Queen's Regret

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nerf-or-nothing
Star Seed

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Star Seed

Title : The Hybrid Enigma
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Location : A far away land, where mystery and adventure are rich and bountiful, and where dreams are not wished, but granted <3


PostSubject: A Queen's Regret   17th April 2013, 3:06 pm

A Queen’s Regret

The Queen looked at her son with adoration and admiration. It was his fifth birthday and he was playing with his friends, the sons of fellow lords and ladies of the Golden Kingdom Court. The celebration was a wonderful success, her son Prince Endymoin having made friends all over the kingdom but none more enamored with him then the daughter of a local Psychic, Beryl.

She was an adorable little girl with dark wavy hair, pretty dark eyes and porcelain skin. She had been following him since they were just little tots when the Queen had sought the girls mother, Psychic Ruby, in hopes to hear of her sons future and fortune.

Little Beryl suddenly kissed little Endymoin and the Queen couldn’t help the giggle that escaped as her son wiped his cheek and glared, running away from the little girl like she was the devil incarnate.

Puppy love was so cute.

<3

The Queen watched as the little girl Beryl had grown into a beautiful woman admired by many in the kingdom. A psychic in her own right, she was still a peasant but when she requested to serve to Golden Kingdom she was granted the title of Maiden. The Queen knew it had been Maiden Beryls attempt to get closer to her dear son, that puppy love from years ago growing into a love real and true. She could tell how much the dark haired beauty cared her son. Should he ever reciprocate her feelings, she would consent to the marriage despite the huge difference in classes.

The Maiden Beryl would make a most beautiful Lady of the Court.

The Queen giggled softly to herself as she saw Beryl hiding behind the pillars once again and blushing as she spied on Endymoin and his friends and court unaware of the admiration and attention from the shy dark haired girl.

<3

The Queen had woken from a terrible nightmare. Strange to have such awful visions in a land ruled by beautiful dreams.

Walking along the path she went for a stroll, taking in the crisp night air in an attempt to calm her beating heart, the awful nightmare soon forgotten as she looked up at the beautiful moon shining down on her kingdom like a candle blessing the lands with light to ward off the dark.

Soft cries could be heard coming from the rose garden and she worried. Hadn’t there been similar cries in her nightmare? All she could remember was the color of blood red, and eyes that had no soul.

Worry and curiosity got the best of her as she shoved her fears aside and moved in the direction of the garden.

The Maiden Beryl ran past her, tears streaking her pale cheeks and her dark eyes haunted and heart broken. The Queen hadn’t time to call out to her and ask what was wrong. The Maiden had fled faster then words could carry to her.

What could have made such a beautiful face look so sad and tortured? With her heart beating ever faster she continued into the garden and stopped still.

In the garden her son stood with a most beautiful creature. She looked like the image of the Moon Goddess, with hair as white as the pearly moon and glowing skin, her eyes the color of the sky at dusk and a beautiful and intricate gown of silks and lace.

They stood together gazing into each others eyes in a lovers embrace, and while she felt happy her son had found love, her heart gave a thump of sympathy for the beautiful Maiden whom had always loved her son. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what the young girl was feeling having seen this secret rendezvous.

<3

The Queen’s tears streaked down her face as she looked up into the soulless eyes of the demon woman with hair as red as blood.

She was a powerful creature, tall and fearsome in a dress of rich purple velvet. She didn’t look human. She wasn’t human… who was this woman that had taken control of her kingdom and her armies? Who was this woman who turned her people into hatred filled beings of jealousy rage? Who was this woman… who had turned her beautiful kingdom of dreams into a nightmare world intent on waging war? And why… was she so intent on finding her son?

“What is your name?”

The woman frowned and for a second, she almost looked human as a single tear fell from beautiful dark eyes before they were bathed in a glowing blood red and she smiled a wicked smile filled with fangs. “You may call me… Queen Beryl.”

The Queen of Elysion, the mother of Prince Endymoin smiled with pity as she was killed. With her last breath she prayed to the heavens to forgive this foolish girl who had been forsaken in her quest for love and been poisoned by the demon Queen Metallia.

If only… if only she had gone after her that day and comforted her when she needed it the most, perhaps then the lovely maiden Beryl wouldn’t have met such an ill fate. Perhaps, that nightmare from that fateful night had been a warning, one she shouldn’t have ignored. This must have been fate, and what a sad fate it would be for all involved.
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Star Seed

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Star Seed

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PostSubject: Re: A Queen's Regret   17th April 2013, 3:58 pm

Inspirations

[img][/img]

by Deviantart member sakkysa

[img][/img]

by Deviantart member lafressia.Jiang

[img][/img]

By Deviant member Lonely-moon19

[img][/img]

By Naoko Takeuchi in the Sailor Moon manga^^
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ToriJ
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PostSubject: Re: A Queen's Regret   17th April 2013, 4:53 pm

I like how it's from the Queen's perspective. The beginning with a little Beryl kissing Endymoin was cute and the ending was sad.

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Star Seed

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Star Seed

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PostSubject: Re: A Queen's Regret   17th April 2013, 5:39 pm

Thank you^^ I wish it could have been a happy ending but Beryls unrequited feelings end in tragedy for two lives... hopefully her next life she'd be able to redeem herself, and find happiness in love
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PostSubject: Re: A Queen's Regret   17th April 2013, 6:28 pm

Its such a sad story, but I love it at the same time. You did a good job on it. <3

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PostSubject: Re: A Queen's Regret   17th April 2013, 9:19 pm

Thank you so much I really appreciate the feedback <3 Very Happy Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: A Queen's Regret   23rd April 2013, 2:06 am

Nerf- Awesome work! I really enjoyed reading about Beryl's crush on Endymion growing up. I also love how you used a character's point of view which we would probably never think of to use. Huge props for that! I also love the theme of unrequited love. You just did such a wonderful job and I am so impressed with your originality! =)


Now for some little corrections I think would help the story:

Endymion is spelled incorrectly in the story. You switch the i and o.

The woman frowned and for a second, she almost looked human as a single tear fell from beautiful dark eyes before they were bathed in a glowing blood red and she smiled a wicked smile filled with fangs.


^ This is a run on sentence. I think changing it into two sentences or maybe messing around with the words would help it to flow better.

Other than those two things that really stood out to me, I suggest doing a quick read through to see if there is any missing punctuation or misspelled words. It's minor, but since we are all aiming to improve our writing I figured it'd be a good suggestion.

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PostSubject: Re: A Queen's Regret   23rd April 2013, 10:21 pm

Thank you so much^^ How would you suggest I fix that sentence, I don't know how I can word it another way :/

Did you see any misspelled words or punctuation? My spellcheck didn't turn up anything :/

^^I have to memorize Endymion's spelling, in my Microsoft word it doesn't give me a correct spelling so I went on guessing and didn't even think to check Sad lol I started adding the Japanese names to spellcheck though and I'll do the same for Endymion (:

Thanks for the help! It's one of the reasons why I love posting on FF.N so much because of the great critiques, advice and help some of the reviewers give Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: A Queen's Regret   23rd April 2013, 10:52 pm

The woman frowned and for a second, she almost looked human as a single tear fell from beautiful dark eyes before they were bathed in a glowing blood red and she smiled a wicked smile filled with fangs.

The woman frowned and for a second, she almost looked human. A single tear fell from her beautiful dark eyes before they were bathed in glowing blood red.

Honestly, I'm not sure. The wicked smile part is what makes it difficult. I can see why it's important, but I just don't know how to change the sentence with that part.

The woman frowned and for a second, she almost looked human as a single tear fell from her midnight eyes before they were bathed in glowing blood red her fangs glistening through a wicked smile.

Bleh, that's no better.

The woman frowned. For a second, she almost looked human as a single tear fell from her beautiful dark eyes. Suddenly, they were bathed in a glowing blood red, and fangs glistened through her wicked smile. "You may call me...Queen Beryl."
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PostSubject: Re: A Queen's Regret   24th April 2013, 1:59 am

Oooh I like the last one best^^
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PostSubject: Re: A Queen's Regret   24th April 2013, 7:16 am

I think you can add words to your dictionary on Microsoft Word. It very much comes in handy for fanfiction writing and academic writing.

This is a beautiful piece, although I like the first segment the most. I love imagining a little Beryl giving a kiss to a little Endymion, who reacts as all little boys do when kissed.

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PostSubject: Re: A Queen's Regret   24th April 2013, 8:07 am

I love the idea of using Endymion's mother's perspective. We hear so little about that part of the SM universe and it was a nice shift. If you ever decided to extend this more I would be really interested.
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PostSubject: Re: A Queen's Regret   25th April 2013, 1:24 pm

Nerf- I was showing you how I do my editing process. I force myself to rewrite the sentence again and again until it sounds right. Basically showing you a way to play with sentences.

I'm looking forward to more of your stories! =)
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Star Seed

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PostSubject: Re: A Queen's Regret   30th April 2013, 11:07 am

Quote :
I think you can add words to your dictionary on Microsoft Word. It very much comes in handy for fanfiction writing and academic writing.

This is a beautiful piece, although I like the first segment the most. I love imagining a little Beryl giving a kiss to a little Endymion, who reacts as all little boys do when kissed.

Thank you^^ I'm adding some as I go I should do more n_n', I'm having a hard time writing u.u I'm motivation ally blocked big time

Quote :
I love the idea of using Endymion's mother's perspective. We hear so little about that part of the SM universe and it was a nice shift. If you ever decided to extend this more I would be really interested.

Thank you!! If you'd like to extend it, or if anyone would please do I'd love to read everyones input c:

I wish we knew more about Prince Endymoin's family. We know only of Princess Serenity's mother Queen Serenity and Sailor Pluto's father, the god Chronus. I want to give more attention to these unknown families^^

Quote :
Nerf- I was showing you how I do my editing process. I force myself to rewrite the sentence again and again until it sounds right. Basically showing you a way to play with sentences.

I'm looking forward to more of your stories! =)

That's a good idea! I'm trying to correct my stories on FF.N they have so many errors and when I reread my work to come up with new ideas I get discouraged by all my grammatical errors so I'll use this idea as I edit them Very Happy

Motivation-ally I'm currently blocked and since I have 17 chapters in my Light of Hope story and each chapter is so long I'm being a bit of a procrastinator lol who am I kidding being a procrastinator is a huge bad trait of mine >.>

I should reread after I type I'm just so lazy u,u
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